Missing you

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The battle within

The thoughts in my head usually sounds something like this…

You aren’t as smart as her.
She really doesn’t like you ever since you confronted her.
They think you’re an idiot.
You are here because of your nice personality, not your intelligence or talent
My head hurts, I wonder if something is really wrong.
My leg is hurting, I wonder if I have a blood clot.
Every relationship I have ends up failing, it must be me.
Did I upset her? I think I upset her.
I’m a pain in his ass.
I talk too much.
I am too nice.
I really don’t feel like going tonight.
Did I leave the stove on?
Is he really on the school bus, or did he somehow miss it, and he’s standing there cold and helpless? (even tho I saw him get on)
I hope he doesn’t get hurt. What if he gets hurt?
I am a pushover.
I have no spine.
They misunderstood me.
I hope I didn’t sound weird.
I am not cut out for the corporate world.
I just don’t have the confidence.
I am broken, just live with it.

These are some of my daily thoughts.
These are also the thoughts of someone with anxiety and depression.
Which you are then prescribed medicine for, that gives you side effects like emotional numbness, and losing your sex drive.
Is that better?…I don’t know.
The brain is so hard to reprogram.
What a waste to have such negativity swimming around in my head all day.
I want it to stop.
Sometimes its like I don’t have control over my own brain. Its like an internal battle.
When did this start?
Will my son think like this?
Will I ever change?
Ive read self help books, Ive taken medicine. No affirmation in the world has ever stuck. Its like a sickness. One that takes a part of my life from me.
Maybe some is from being the child of an alcoholic, maybe some is from my addictions in my 20’s, maybe some I was born with..
Not sure but its a broken record. One that Im not prepared to listen to for the rest of my life.
I start therapy soon and I have hope that maybe I can get to the bottom of some of this crap and dig my way to a place where I don’t hurt so much.
I have hope.
I always feel like there is hope. I will continue to fight the fight.
This is what I hold on to.

sword fight, dailyfrances

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Put the kibosh on people pleasing!

Stand tall and tell people how you feel. At work, at home, and in between. There is nothing that is going to come out of you pleasing people all day long. Other than family and friends, no one is going to look out for you. People generally look out for themselves and as a result they orchestrate or shape things the way they need them, and not the way you need them.

I will be the first to admit I was a full fledged people pleaser my whole life. Smiling to look agreeable, giving in when someone challenged me, changing my opinion depending on who I might be talking to, and laughing even when their jokes aren’t funny. It is an exhausting way to live to say the least.

When did I decide that my opinions weren’t as valid as someone else’s? When did I start believing that I had to be nice to everyone all the time, and not make waves. When did I decide that my job is to keep people happy and comfortable. This is not my responsibility. I do not have to appease everyone I encounter. Heres some basic rules to put the kibosh on people pleasing. Good Luck!

1. Don’t laugh if it’s not funny.
2. Don’t agree with something you don’t agree with.
3. Stand tall and know that you are doing your best.
4. Be your same self around everyone…regardless of “who” they are.
5. Stay on top of your shit.
6. Do not second guess conversations from earlier.
7. Speak clearly and confidently.
8. Never berate yourself; Respect yourself so those around you do as well.
9. Stop putting people on pedestals.
10. Remember that everyone farts.

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Symptom Map for quick reference

I have the day off, so I thought I’d google some symptoms.
Here is a symptom map below for quick reference:

Headache– ———> Bubonic plague
Dizziness– ———>Black plague or death
Fatigue– ———>Malaysian pit viper snakebite
Pain behind eyes– ———>Malaria
Changes in vison– ———>Syphilis
Getting to work late– ———>Violent bear attack
Constipation– ———>Insanity
Sadness– ———>Scarlet fever
Skipping breakfast– ———>Polio
Wearing a mock turtleneck– ———>Sharkbite
Eating more than one ice cream sandwich– ———>Rabies
Losing your keys– ———>Gout
Not going to yoga– ———>Sting from a Arizona desert scorpion
Taking over a year to buy a wedding gift– ———>Typhoid fever
Watching the Kardashians– ———>Gangrene
Bleeding from the eyes– ———>Nut allergy
Decapitation– ———>Cold or flu
Loss of limb– ———>Gas
Death– ———>Indigestion

web MD, symptomatic,

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I decide

I believe that confidence is a frame of mind. We have to choose confidence and we are the only ones who can take it away. That, mixed with exercise, mostly healthy eating, a consistent practice of doing for others, steering away from self centered thoughts, and a state of mindfulness. With all these, I believe that confidence is attainable.

Today I walked away from my brain. I put on my tennis shoes and left my overthinking behind me.. My second guessing, my guilt, my worry…I walked it all off. It would be much cooler to say I ran it off, but Im not a runner. My neck feels like its broken the day after I run. The constant pounding on the sidewalk isn’t the best for someone with herniated discs, but walking, for me, is a life saver.

My brain and body need certain things to function normally. Frequent exercise has become a huge one for me. Less coffee. Less overthinking. Less of the internal commentary. Confidence is power. Confidence feels like a million bucks. Confidence carries you around and supports you. Confidence is a best friend. But mostly, confidence is a decision.

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